Wednesday, January 21, 2009


Grace and I had a rough morning today- imagine walking in to your daughter's room and she's surrounded by nurses, doctors, etc. and you have no idea what is going on.... that was my morning wake-up today.

Over the night, Grace had some chest xrays that showed excess fluid in and around her lungs. Her surgeon thought it best to put in a "ponytail" tube to drain the fluid. Unfortunately, they forgot to tell the mom or dad, so I essentially walked into the recovery aftermath. Grace's blankets were soaked with blood, chest fluid and other yuckies, and she was temporarily paralyzed by anesthesia. I was so pissed off when I walked in- like I said, you become fiercely protective of your children- I wanted to shake someone!! My subconscious told me that they did what was needed, but my emotional side wondered what would have happened if something went wrong and I never got the chance to be with my baby?

The surgeon and team profusely apologized- I felt like an ass even questioning it, but my emotions took over and soon I was a hysterical mess- and then Grace woke up and had tears rolling down her cheeks... that put me over the edge.

Every day I endure this process- I give up my most precious gift to those that are more knowledgeable and skilled than I am, hoping that they have the strength and know-how to fix my baby. Every day I endure the hopes, the fears, the tears, the smiles.... it's so emotionally exhausting! I wonder when I'll "wake-up" and actually feel normal- will it be when we go home? will it be when she catches up to her "real age"? Will we always feel this scared? Will our lives always be tied to the skills and know-how of a cardiac team?

I want nothing more than to make this all go away for her- I only can hope that she doesn't remember any of this, but then I remember she has years more of surgeries... how does any child go through this? What baby deserves this?

So, I'm done with my pity-party now, just a really, really rough morning.... The birth mom wants to spend a day alone with Grace, without Felix or me present. Not quite sure how I feel about this at this point, but because we're still not in the driver's seat, I have to go along with it. I'm sure everything will be fine, but again, the fierce mama in me comes out and I want to ensure her safety, and happiness. We have to talk later this afternoon to work out some sort of contact arrangement. Hopefully, it is a compromise for both of us, not just me giving in so that Grace can be my child forever, but we'll see. I really would pretty much do ANYTHING for this little girl.... but I'll be strong.

I need to feel progress- I need to feel like we're getting somewhere- in every aspect of my life. Are we going to make it financially? Are we going to ever leave the hospital? The Ronald Mcdonald House? The cardiac diagnosis? The danger zone?


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