Monday, January 19, 2009

Fallen Chest Tubes

It's been so long since I've posted! It's unbelievable- you would think that I have nothing to do as I sit here at the hospital, but I stay so busy watching her, and holding her hand.... I get carried away and lose all sense of time. I literally spend 12-15 hours a day in this room! I cannot even believe that....

We've had quite the journey this past week- her chest was closed, a chest tube fell out, another started to fall out and leaked all over her.... I came in one night to give her kisses before bed and thought she had peed all over herself- literally soaked! Unfortunately, it was chest fluid- ick!! She's now off all of her pain meds (fentanyl, and morphine) but because of withdrawals she's getting a few doses of methadone- my baby the synthetic heroin addict... gotta love it.

She's feeding good so far- @ 3 cc's per hour, continuous with them bumping her up a cc every 12 hours. The last and final obstacle is her breathing... She's still on a ventilator and still gets blood transfusions every few days. The ventilator has been dialed down quite a bit, but she can't seem to do it all on her own. Unfortunately, I can't hold her until she's completely off the vent- so this week will be 2 whole weeks since I've held her! Pure torture! They're talking about moving us back to the NICU to grow her and have her work on normal baby functions, so I'm still hopeful that we'll be home in the next 3-4 weeks... but no one ever gives you a date.

We've watched more friends come and go, and we've made new friends with the nurses. I'm still living @ the Ronald McDonald House, but Felix had to move back home- our dogs are not having us being gone so long- Tossy actually ran away. I have good days and bad days. It's funny, I'm so strong and optimistic with everyone, but sometimes I have to fall apart too, so I usually do it alone at night. I spend a lot of my time worrying, but I hear that's a normal function of motherhood.... and that I should expect to keep worrying for the next 30+ years!

I cannot believe how big my little girl is- I can only imagine that time FLIES by! She's already looking around, grasping my fingers, responding to voices, kicking her feet, waving her hands, etc. She's 4 lbs. 13 oz and 18 inches long! She's gained basically a pound and 1/2 and grown 2 inches since birth. She's a beanpole! I figure I'll be able to share shoes with her when she's in 3rd grade, and after that she'll tower over me.

My motherly instincts are here in full force- every time someone comes near my little one, I get all tight inside and anxious, wondering what they're doing to her, and I know when she is and is not happy about things. It's amazing... I used to wonder, often aloud to friends and family, if I would love this little girl like my own, and if she would love me. The answer is YES! YES! YES! From the moment I laid eyes on her, we were bonded as mother and daughter. I'm fiercly protective of her, and so in love with her. I melt watching Felix have daddy time with her- it's so genuine, like seeing a whole new person, absolutely wonderful.

Our 1st court date is January 30th. On that date, Danelle will sign the consent to adopt and then we'll file for our final court date. The final court date (could be 2-3 months from now) is where they'll sever everything... we sit on hot coals until then! I'm sure everything will be fine, but I still can't wait for that day to get here.

My mom restored my christening gown. I found it in a moldy pile of stuff in the garage and my mom gave much TLC to it, and it looks brand new! My daughter will officially be baptized in the same gown that I was almost 30 years ago. I couldn't have asked for more! I'm almost done with her baby blanket- but I think I'll need a 2nd ball of yarn to complete it. She better love the thing- it's taken me FOREVER! :)

As always, I'm in love- she's rocked my world, that's for sure! God Blessed me with Grace! My Amazing, Amazing, Amazing Grace!

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