Monday, January 5, 2009

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I am officially a nervous wreck! We met with the cardiac surgeon today, Dr. A.

Grace will have her surgery on Wednesday morning, probably around 7:30/8 am. The procedure itself takes 4-5 hours, but with prep (getting lines into her mini-arteries) could bump up the total time to roughly 8 full hours. That's 8 hours of torture- I'm already shaking, cold, scared and nervous- I don't even want to think about what state of mind I'll be in on Wednesday. The surgeon explain in detail what was going to happen, calling it the "mini" surgery, as the next surgery (4-6 months from now) will be actually open heart, where they'll cut into her heart. This surgery they'll open her chest and sew in a plastic-type tube on the right side of her heart and close the artery that typically closes on it's own after birth. The surgeon seems positive- there is a 94% survival rate. Grace has some things going in her benefit, but also a few strikes against her. The doctor, being a doctor, of course prepped us for the worst. Sometimes babies will get very ill during the course of the surgery or recovery (germs, colds, flus, etc.) and can be fatal for them. Sometimes the heart beating is too much for them- their tiny hearts work 2-3x harder than the average heart, with a low pressure system, as the synthetic artery is tiny, but controlled. Grace has super tiny arteries and isn't as big weight-wise as they had hoped, but the surgeon also stated that she's older (over 1 month now) and has fought through some tough times- she's a fighter. I'm nervous about this, but hopeful. I find myself wanting a guarantee, and dreading each surgery thinking about the what-if's, but every parent says goodbye to their child, or puts their child to sleep each night never knowing what could happen- life is relative. This surgery is a step in the right direction- a beginning of the end, per se. Grace will probably be home 3-4 weeks post-surgery, and I'll be over the moon. I just cannot wait to do normal baby stuff with her!! Grace has been my little miracle- but she's also been my lesson in life. I've spent way too many hours and days worrying about what could happen, being a hypochondriac about myself and Felix- such stupid things, and now I've been tested with faith. I have faith- and I have a lot more faith than ever before, but this definitely tests you, your marriage, your friendships, your whole being. God has a plan, I just may not always agree or support His decisions, but I have to understand and appreciate the bigger picture. God blessed me with Grace, but also has given me a patience challenge- I have no choice but to enjoy each moment of each day that I have with my baby. Grace is tough- she'll be fine. I'm not only convincing you all, but also myself! Say lots of prayers, think good thoughts and I'll update you all as soon as possible. Grace will probably be "under" for a few days, just to keep her calm and comfortable.

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