This isn't bad news. It's kinda great. But it doesn't feel that way. With cardiac kids, I feel like there is never a clear answer. When is surgery? Ask one time, it will be 10 years, the 2nd answer five years and maybe a third try, and you'll get 3 years. I know it's not a precise guess and that only Gracie's body decides when it's time to misbehave, but I feel like I'm always waiting for the shoe to drop. Even though there is absolutely nothing for me to stress about at this exact moment in time, I can't help but worry about what if and the next open heart surgery. She's beginning to ask questions, and say that she has what the doc is calling "phan chest pains". Anytime we go anywhere just grace and I, she assumes we're off to some cardiology needle-filled procedure. I have totally broken this little girls trust. If she asks me if she has to have surgery again, I hate that I don't have the answer for her, and I won't. Some things are just frustrating. Can I ever heal her fears and anxiety? Can anyone? I'm struggling, lately. It's as if now that the dust has settled physically for a bit, my emotions have finally become unraveled. I'm finally angry, and sad, and scared and hurt. And angry. And I don't want to be anymore. Made an appointment to talk with someone this month. She's also an adoptive special needs mom- hoping for some insight. For now, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.
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